It's Saturday, so it's another update...

I decided to go out and get drunk with Tren last night. It was quite enlightening, actually... the alcohol helped me get past some of the difficulty that I was having in thinking about my situation, and a lot of ideas came out.

1. I love Gary.
2. I love Tren.
3. Tren does things for me that Gary can't (and/or won't -- Tren and I got into a discussion on this score).
4. The part of me that wants the things that Tren does for me wants to fall madly in love with him, and for him to fall madly in love with me.
5. The rest of me can see how this is a VERY bad idea.
6. I love Gary with more of my being, and more deeply, than I love Tren. Plus, I have a history with Gary, and I want to continue that history.

So. There's some stuff that Tren does for me, but Gary does more... and besides, I love Gary more anyway. Even though Tren's a good friend, I think it'd be a bad idea to try to go after him... so I won't.

Now, also, this past week, I went to see Micki (my therapist) for the first time. This is a Good Thing[tm]. She's helping me to understand some of the chaos in my emotional life, and I expect to come out of this with a more sound knowledge and understanding of how my internal world works. (Not that I expect this knowledge to come easily... she asks the -HARD- questions, that I shy away from.)

I showed her this weblog, though, and she commented that I was extremely hard on myself. (Especially about the BDSM stuff I posted last week.) I've been doing some thinking on that score, and I've revised my opinions a little bit...

Maybe I'm so used to being off-center that I don't recognize the state of being on-center. A good Top keeps track of his submissive's breathing, and emotional state, and ensures that he doesn't get -too- far out-of-whack. (so to speak.) Maybe the place that I like going is a kind of center, a place where I can wait forever for anything to happen, and where I can handle anything that comes at me -- be it the thudding blow of a flogger, or the sharp sensation of a violet wand, or the hot, narrow lines of the raking of the claws down my back.

It's also interesting... I'm Topping a lot more than I used to, as well. (Topping does not necessarily mean sex, I like the psychological domination factor more than anything else. :>) But it's almost comical to see some of the looks on these subs' faces when I tell them that I won't fuck them unless and until they beg me to, or suck my cock in just the right manner, or do whatever else it is that I come up with. (Sometimes, I don't even tell them what it is -- that's a -real- mindfuck. :>)

I want to be able to continue this, to have at least one submissive that -I- train, that -I- am responsible for... perhaps not on a financial sense, but on other senses. I love Gary, and when I go back to him, I never want to have to leave him again. But, if he does not allow me this, I cannot stay with him.

At least, so my mind says right now. But since this kind of thought has been percolating through my head for at least 9 months, it's a thought that I don't think will go away.

-Mat

Saturday, September 02, 2000 20:09 PDT

And I'm writing again, getting somewhat irritated at my life in general. Got the therapist's initial entrance sheet, and I've been looking at the best way to fill it out... and to tell the truth, the truth -hurts-. And answering some of these questions is going to hurt a lot.

So if the truth hurts so much, why am I torturing myself by posting to my blog? Am I just lying about everything I put in it? Well, no, not exactly. But what I put in it isn't exactly all the truth, either.

So I sit here listening to one of the channels at live365.com, as I compose this. And I haven't the faintest idea what I want to say. Except that I know that I'm depressed. So let's get down into the depths of my subconscious to see what's depressing me...

I'm a gay man. I like BDSM. I shopped at LeatherMasters today, for the first time... and I'm not particularly impressed with their selection or quality. I couldn't even get a Master's cap in my size (which turns out to be 7 1/8). And their blindfold selection was held on with elastic, not with anything more useful (like a buckled strap or anything) -- what happens when the elastic breaks?

But that's not what's depressing me. What's depressing me is the idea that I'm into BDSM at all. I mean, the only reason I'm into BDSM is because I'm emotionally maladjusted. I can't always deal with what's facing me, emotionally or in the world at large... so I start looking for people to give me something, some sensation that's powerful enough to overwhelm me and put me into the mindspace that's clear of everything beyond the here and now. (Most people call this 'bottomspace', or 'bottom headspace'.) It's enough to make me want to scream... but I can't.

And what hurts most is the fact that when I'm depressed, I look for someone to Top me.

When I bottom, I bottom out of desire to fulfill -my- needs... not the Top's'. I want to push myself farther and farther away from the world, and my own center... to find a kind of 'peace'. And this isn't particularly healthy, either as a desire or as a way to deal with things.

Am I really that shallow, that self-imbalanced, that I can't deal with the world around me in a constructive fashion? How do I find my center? How do I ground myself? How can I relax, and feel that the weight of my entire world isn't on my shoulders?

And why the HELL can't I be alone, and not doing anything, and not be depressed? I'm always depressed when I'm alone. I don't like this. I try to mask it by going out to gatherings as much as possible, or visiting friends when that doesn't happen... but it doesn't always work out. And so I feel depressed a lot of the time.

I dunno. *sighs* But I'm writing about it, and thinking about it, which is a good thing.

-Mat