Dear Master,

Your slave woke up around midnight, after sleeping from about 10:30 to then. And found Your print job being mangled by the printer (specifically, a paper jam, as per usual). Your slave then attempted to resolve the issue as much as possible, but a total of 4 sheets of paper were crunched by improper application of feeder rollers, and then Windows 2000 wouldn't restart the job... forcing a stop and restart of the Print Spooler process, which restarted the printing from the beginning. Ah, well. Your slave didn't want to wake You up with what is really such a petty detail, so allowed You to sleep. Wonders if this was an appropriate choice?

It's the beginning of the first full day of Your slave's new life. Amazingly, nothing really looks all that different (the things that do look different do so because of the tail-end of the effect from the 25-year-aged whisky Your slave had at dinner last night -- thank You, again, my Master). Nothing really feels all that different. Your slave came to peace with the idea while he was writing the contract... and it's absolutely fucking amazing, if Your slave may say so, just how different he feels from even a month ago. (Or even a -week- ago, though we were well on our way at that point in any case.) (Hell, even three days ago, looking in my back entries.)

Your slave is noticing that the printer seems to work better when the paper isn't stacked very full in the input tray, like there's something wrong with the rollers when they're at high-extension. Just an odd aside.

Your slave is feeling very much awake at the current moment -- damned Circadian rhythm. So, he will probably be heading back to his house (funny, 'home' is Your apartment, for some reason) this evening/morning to see if things have arrived properly.

Your slave also evidently took off the stallion guard sometime this evening, while he wasn't aware... when he woke up, he found it sitting next to his pillow.

*sighs softly* my Master, Your slave is wishing that he didn't have all these other obligations to take care of. Not that Your slave can do anything about it immediately... but it's something that Your slave is looking at as being a possible problem.

Your slave loves You, my Master.

-Mat

Okay, just a side note -- I need a hierarchal database system that comes in library format, preferably open-source. If anyone has an idea, please send it to me at winged@voidnet.com. Thanks!

I've got a problem... a big one. And it's coming my way rather quickly, like a freight train that can't stop... and I need to determine which track I want it to go on.

my Master wishes to formalize our relationship with a slave contract -- valid for 6 months, renewable, cancellable, or able to be made permanent at that time. And I'm trying to figure out if I truly want this.

Bit of background: my Master gave me a collar a few weeks ago... buckled it onto my neck [note, he did not lock it, for specific reasons that He explained to me later], and made certain that I understood I could take it off as I felt necessary... but He wanted me to have it to remind me that He was there. (This was just before I travelled down to San Diego... I didn't wear it on the trip, but I had it with me in case I needed it for some reason.) He has not asked for it back... and actually, has been somewhat gratified to note that I wear it openly and proudly, oftentimes forgetting that I'm even wearing it.

I have given him my submission. I will do things for him that I do not feel like doing, for the sole reason that he enjoys them (in the morning, I've sucked on him for a while, and gotten physically aroused, even though I was not mentally in the mood for sex at that moment). But, in order for me to give him that submission, I had to trust him implicitly first. And in order for me to trust him implicitly, he needed to be pretty damned special.

So why am I confused/worried/etc? That's the problem -- I don't really know.

Am I afraid that I won't be able to keep up my end of the deal? That's quite possible. I've been finding myself getting somewhat annoyed at -constantly- being around Him over the past week (when he's not at work), and I've spent a couple of evenings out with my friends (partially because I needed to get away, partially to see if he would ALLOW me to get away). That, and going to a state park today (unfortunately without him).

Am I afraid that he won't be able to keep up his end of the deal? That's quite possible, as well. There are certain things that He wants, that I am not comfortable giving him, that he's agreed to try to not be put out over. We've agreed that he can keep joking about them, to keep his own dreams alive, and that's okay for now. In negotiating with him, I've gotten every major thing that I said was a showstopper (specifically, my need for a submissive of my own, my need to Top others, my need to not be monogamous, my need to maintain my own finances). He's not exactly comfortable with two of those, but he says he's willing to deal with them at least for the moment.

But can he? That, I don't know. I haven't seen anything that makes me doubt him, but I still worry. (My doubt has already earned me at least one sharp smack while he was spanking me -- my doubt that he would be there, when I truly needed him.)

It's something of a fear of commitment, as one of my friends says -- I'm afraid that it's too good to be true, and so I hold back, fearing that it really -is- going to have problems. Even without any evidence of those problems before. I've seen echoes of my past behavior already -- being somewhat irresponsible about the time (I've -really- got to get a watch) at least twice so far, being really bitchy for no apparent reason at least twice, stuff that I'm not proud of. And I really don't know if I can hold up my end of the deal.

But by all the Gods, I want to. I want to be with my Master.

-Mat