Saturday, September 02, 2000 20:09 PDT

And I'm writing again, getting somewhat irritated at my life in general. Got the therapist's initial entrance sheet, and I've been looking at the best way to fill it out... and to tell the truth, the truth -hurts-. And answering some of these questions is going to hurt a lot.

So if the truth hurts so much, why am I torturing myself by posting to my blog? Am I just lying about everything I put in it? Well, no, not exactly. But what I put in it isn't exactly all the truth, either.

So I sit here listening to one of the channels at live365.com, as I compose this. And I haven't the faintest idea what I want to say. Except that I know that I'm depressed. So let's get down into the depths of my subconscious to see what's depressing me...

I'm a gay man. I like BDSM. I shopped at LeatherMasters today, for the first time... and I'm not particularly impressed with their selection or quality. I couldn't even get a Master's cap in my size (which turns out to be 7 1/8). And their blindfold selection was held on with elastic, not with anything more useful (like a buckled strap or anything) -- what happens when the elastic breaks?

But that's not what's depressing me. What's depressing me is the idea that I'm into BDSM at all. I mean, the only reason I'm into BDSM is because I'm emotionally maladjusted. I can't always deal with what's facing me, emotionally or in the world at large... so I start looking for people to give me something, some sensation that's powerful enough to overwhelm me and put me into the mindspace that's clear of everything beyond the here and now. (Most people call this 'bottomspace', or 'bottom headspace'.) It's enough to make me want to scream... but I can't.

And what hurts most is the fact that when I'm depressed, I look for someone to Top me.

When I bottom, I bottom out of desire to fulfill -my- needs... not the Top's'. I want to push myself farther and farther away from the world, and my own center... to find a kind of 'peace'. And this isn't particularly healthy, either as a desire or as a way to deal with things.

Am I really that shallow, that self-imbalanced, that I can't deal with the world around me in a constructive fashion? How do I find my center? How do I ground myself? How can I relax, and feel that the weight of my entire world isn't on my shoulders?

And why the HELL can't I be alone, and not doing anything, and not be depressed? I'm always depressed when I'm alone. I don't like this. I try to mask it by going out to gatherings as much as possible, or visiting friends when that doesn't happen... but it doesn't always work out. And so I feel depressed a lot of the time.

I dunno. *sighs* But I'm writing about it, and thinking about it, which is a good thing.

-Mat