God, what a long and strange road it's been.

From 9/9/2000, to 1/16/2001, it's been... interesting.

Many of the situations that were resolved have been replaced by new stressors in my life. (Sheesh, just when I start to get everything worked out, along comes something -else- to screw me up.)

Gary has managed to piss me off... granted, to a large degree, it was my fault and my own misunderstanding. But, him asking me to leave on Dec30, and then being called by him at 4am on 01/01 (when I'm asleep, cuddling with two friends who understand that I'm feeling really bad and who offered to cuddle me to comfort me as I slept), and then having him do something that makes you feel like a mindfuck... basically, he said, "I just wanted to make it clear that if you need to stop by on the way back to the Bay, you're welcome here", and "I love you." (This, after he essentially said 'goodbye'. Sheesh.)

This fucked up my headspace for about a week until I realized what was going on, and just how badly I'd misinterpreted his actions. Still, though, in almost every disagreement we've had, it's been -me- changing, -me- stretching, -me- reaching, -me- working to resolve it. And I've gotten tired of it. Gary, I love you, too, but I can't see it working out until I have -many- more years of experience dealing with people in the normal world.

Oh, did I mention that I'm sick of being a part of "furry fandom"? Not for the reasons of the "burned furs" (I'm one of those people who the burned furs despise, actually, for various reasons), but because I'm sick of not being able to be comfortable in any kind of social context that doesn't involve furries. (I actually felt okay, for once, when my boss (Chris) took me out to dinner the other night... along with Cooper, Fred, and David... which was an adventure in and of itself. We went to a Chinese restaurant, and I learned what was labelled and what wasn't labelled on the menu, as well as why. [Chris, Fred, Cooper, and David are all Chinese or at the very least speak Mandarin. So it was an adventure.] :-) )

Next thing: Ye Olde Standby Problem, "Monogamy versus Polyamory." Why is it that Western culture inundates us with the concept that "sex" == "love"? I've got a hypothesis, but in order to understand it, I have to explain the situation a bit more:

I'm developing lots of feelings for Corey, and he's developing lots of feelings for me. But he and I have one fatal incompatibility -- when he's in a relationship, he pushes for monogamy, and I couldn't be monogamous if my life depended on it. (Reasons for him not being able to deal with polyamory: He's scared that whoever he's with is going to leave him for someone who's bigger, better, stronger, faster, more dominant, bigger-dicked, etc... and he also develops a huge jealousy. His words: "How do you think it makes me feel that I'm fucking someone who someone else just fucked, that I'm sticking my dick where someone else stuck his? It makes me feel cheap, and inadequate." He also mentioned something about "I'll never be able to give you the experience of having something large stretching you apart, and if you don't screw around, you won't be reminded of that experience." [Obviously, he has problems with his penis size -- gods, Corey, can't you see that I love you anyway?!]) (Reasons for my not being able to deal with monogamy: 1) Sexual addiction. 2) Physical desires/cravings that one person alone can't fill -- even if they're hung like a horse, sometimes I want to feel the sliding rather than the hugeness. 3) Emotional desires/cravings/needs -- I've always been a very physical person with my friends, and many of my friends need touch and reassurance that they're still attractive. 4) Friendships that have transcended the boundaries of sexuality for the longest time. 5) Friends who I'd do just about anything for, and vice versa, wanting and needing to affirm that bond.) I don't see anything wrong with sleeping with my friends, even when I'm in a relationship. He does, it seems, and that causes us many problems.

But we've discussed that quite a lot, and we're working on it -- at least he understands (now) that I'm not likely to go off with some cute guy I just met at a party (no matter how well-hung or sexy he seems to be).

And on top of all of this, there's the typical "I'm the only person at my workplace who knows how to handle Apache" blues. (Sometimes it seems like I'm the only person at my workplace who can properly troubleshoot a problem, but that's neither here nor there. :P) So I got called in over this past weekend. And I was called in on Sunday, as well, when my boss KNEW I was going to be at the beach, relaxing, listening to the pounding of the surf, and generally decompressing -- I've been getting very, very stressed out lately, and he knows it. Bleh. Well, at least I feel like I'm doing well at work, even though my hours are irregular.

Oh, yeah, one more thing... Pat and Dean. (The two of my friends who were cuddling me on New Year's.) I care for them, a lot, as well... and maybe I feel that if I were to go monogamous with one person, it would somehow deny or diminish how I feel for my other friends and lovers?

I dunno. But it's an interesting thought... maybe it's even -right-. :P -Mat